The Difference Read online

  “I’m glad.” He continues to chew.

  “So, what else?”

  “There’s nothing much to say. Just the regular guy talk.” His voice deepens and he grunts. “Booze and babes, the usual.”

  “Uh-huh. Pu-lease.”

  “I’m sure your night with Maggie was much more interesting. It always is with her.” He sprinkles Tabasco sauce on his plate to dip his eggs.

  “Yeah.” I chuckle. The thought of Maggie can always bring a smile. “Well, she was the epitome of sparkle and glamour, as usual, so we were quite a pair.”

  “What was it this time?”

  “Oh, she was single and ready to mingle. She wore a skintight, apple red dress, which was more like a long shirt if you ask me, with what had to be five-inch heels. She always looks gorgeous, don’t get me wrong, but then there’s me in my ballet flats, black work slacks, and a high-necked bulky sweater.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  “She met a guy who was in a class of hers at our college,” I say with my mouth full of smoothie.

  “An old New York City University grad? Nice. How long will it be until she finds a minor flaw in him, makes a big deal about it, thinks that she can’t live with it, and moves on?”

  “Probably as we speak.”

  We both grin.

  “Nah, Ray seemed pretty nice. Maybe he will last a little while longer. I hope for her sake. She deserves a great guy.”

  “Like me?”

  “Yes, just like you.” I know it’s true but what makes me feel it’s not? There’s no reason to feel unstable in my life. That’s what irks me the most. Why can’t I find a reason for this emptiness in my spirit?

  He gets up from his seat to rinse his plate. “What are you doing later today? I need to go into the office for a little bit.” He grabs my plate from across the counter, since I’m done eating too.

  “Thanks for cooking and cleaning.” I can barely gather enough will to do my minimum responsibilities. If he didn’t cook, I bet I’d be eating frozen meals or starving most days.

  “No problem.” He throws a dish towel over his shoulder. “So?”

  “I think I better catch up with Maggie about her new love interest.” That’s what a good friend would do and I’m going to try my best to be there for her, even though I only want to veg on the couch all day with Titanic documentaries and cuddle up with Harrison. “When I left, she was still talking with him, so I’m sure she has a lot to fill me in on. I’ll give her a call.”

  “Okay. Will you be home for Sunday dinner?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  “Great. I’ll come up with something I haven’t tried before. Maybe we can have a redo from the other night.”

  “Anything but Mexican.”

  “You got it.”

  After showering, I don’t feel any rejuvenation in my mood. What will it take to knock me out of this funk? Nothing sticks anymore.

  My dream last night isn’t helping my cause. Somehow, it’s making me feel like there is urgency about facing my fears today. Not tomorrow, today. I can’t shake the feeling of being on that sinking ship and needing to do something to survive the disaster.

  My pulse is speeding up and my breath is getting shallow as I think about it. The images, sounds, and sensations are still realistic. Seeing the fear on the passengers faces, hearing the screams from the ocean, and feeling the boat tilt makes my heart feel ready to burst out of my chest. Faster and faster, it keeps speeding up until I think I’ll have to breathe into a bag soon. Does that even work? I will not have another panic attack!

  My knowledge of therapeutic interventions pops into my racing mind. Grounding will help. Feel the floor. I shuffle my feet. Bring attention to how my hand feels on the sturdy wall. I rub it. Breathe in the spices from breakfast. I inhale. Look at the navy blue bedding. Breathe in through my nose, breathe out of my mouth. Repeat.

  After a minute of breathing and focusing on my senses, I’m feeling less likely to faint. Maybe this dream is a sign. Maybe it’s helping to push me into having the dreaded conversation with Brian that is inevitable. But first, maybe I should have a trial run with Mags about it. I need to get on a lifeboat before the (relation)ship sinks in my real life.

  Chapter 4

  Still in my robe when Brian leaves for weekend work, I glance outside my bedroom window for the first time today. It looks a little colder than yesterday. People are in snow hats and walking fast, probably to avoid the strong wind I see blowing through the trees. I hear the whistle through my poorly insulated window. The sight and sound send a chill through my body. On instinct, I squeeze my robe around my throat. That’s how this time of year is though; one day it is gorgeous and warm enough to wear light spring clothes and the next I find myself needing multiple layers. I don’t think I’ll leave the apartment today. No, I know that I won’t.

  Harrison’s bell on his collar keeps ringing. What is he up to now? I turn the corner to see him on his back with his catnip filled mouse toy between all four paws. He grips it with his front claws to bring it closer to his mouth, then tosses it just far away enough to pounce on it and toss it around more. I wish I had his energy. Maybe there’s catnip for humans.

  I drop on the couch and let my head rest so that I have a perfect view of the ceiling. I stare at its blank white canvas enough that my eyes glaze over. What will I do this afternoon? I’ll call Maggie later, but what do I do right now? My thoughts are interrupted within seconds by repeated pounding knocks on my door.

  I sigh, having to gather all my strength to get up.

  I push myself off the couch and stagger toward the sound. “Rachel! Rachel! Come to this door.”

  The familiar voice prompts me to increase speed. “Coming Maggie.”

  When I open the door, I see my bestie bearing gifts. “Here.” She shoves a coffee in my face. “I took a guess that you’d need this after last night.” She pushes past me and enters.

  “Thanks. I’ll never reject caffeine.” This may be the human catnip. I take a sip and savor the warmth running through my bones. It feels good to be filled with something, even coffee, for a brief period.

  Maggie makes herself at home in the family room, kicking off her shoes, throwing her coat on the ground, and pulling up a blanket when she sits down. “I know you don’t love it when I drop by unannounced, but I took a chance. I had to drop off dry cleaning on the corner so I stopped in your favorite cafe.”

  “Thanks so much. And it’s okay. I was going to call you, err, soon anyway. I would love to hear about what happened last night.”

  “Yes, girl. That is part of why I wanted to catch up. We kind of got sidetracked once Ray entered the picture. Sorry about that.” She grits her teeth and lowers her lip.

  I respond to her remorse. “No worries. So, tell me all the details.”

  “Wait.” Her eyes scan my body up and down. “Why are you in a robe at two o’clock, missy?”

  I look down at my apparel choice of the day. “I don’t know. It’s cold out and I don’t want to go anywhere. It’s Sunday. Why get dressed?”

  She squints at me. “Uh-huh. This is even more antisocial than your usual. I don’t like it.”

  “Everything is fine. Now tell me about last night. Ray was a cutie. I loved his dark brown eyes.” I raise my eyebrows and use one of my therapy techniques to focus back on her.

  “Yes! I’ll drink his hot cocoa anytime.”

  It worked. “And what does that mean?” I tilt my head and furrow my brow.

  “He’s a fine Black man for this fine Black woman.” She shimmies side to side and runs her hands down her body.

  I shake my head and grin. “Oh my gosh. Okay, continue.”

  “Well, you know how irresistible guys are always gay, married, or have girlfriends? I swear, you are so lucky to have Brian. Anyway, Ray’s free and clear. I can�
�t believe it. And to know him from way back in the day, that’s just icing on the cake.”

  “Yeah, that’s astonishing.”

  “We’re probably meant to be.” She drinks her coffee and looks out the window.

  “The odds are low to cross paths with any old classmates, I’m sure. This is a huge city. Running into him is a win.” My comment leads her to turn her head back to me.

  “Yup, so after you left us, we talked for hours and exchanged phone numbers. The martinis helped to keep the conversation going.” She laughs. “He hasn’t called me yet, but it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.”

  “Um, yeah, I think you’re good.” I remember the aggravation the three day rule brought in my dating days. Now I feel like an old married lady with no ring to show for it.

  “I’ll keep you updated. Now back to you.”

  Damn. She’s doing my tricks now. She’s known me too long. “What?”

  “You can’t dupe me. Something’s been up and I’m here to force it out of you. That’s why I said I was partly here to tell you about Ray. Didn’t you wonder what the other part was? Hmm?” She turns her head to give me the side eye.

  I look down. “I don’t know.” I play with my robe, pulling the belt tighter.

  “You do know. Spill.”

  “I guess I don’t know where to start.” I pause. “Well, I had a horrible dream last night about the Titanic. I was on it.” I pause again and stare into Maggie’s eyes. “I think I’m sinking in reality.”

  “What are you talking about?” She moves closer to me and leans her chin on her hand, elbow on her knee.

  I look away again. “In the dream, I was a passenger and knew the ship was sinking, but I felt helpless. I tried to act normal, even though I knew disaster was coming. I eventually got into a lifeboat, but the metaphor has to mean something, right?”

  Maggie takes a deep breath as her eyes grow large. “What you always tell me is the dreamer is the only one who knows what the dream means. What’s your interpretation?”

  “I—”

  “Come on. Just tell me.” She dips her head lower to look into my downward eyes.

  “I think I’m in a rut and I can’t seem to get myself out of it. I don’t feel like my old self. I don’t even know what’s happening with Brian and me. I mean, why have we been dating this long, live together, and yet still aren’t moving forward?”

  “As in getting engaged?”

  “Yeah. What’s the hold up? We’re a couple that sails smoothly down the middle of a calm, boring river.” I make a straight line with the palm of my hand. “There’s a total lack of passion to be intensely affectionate or argumentative. No waves or even ripples take place in our river. We get along fine. So, isn’t that a good thing?” I feel tears building up in my eyes.

  “I don’t know, honey. I’m no expert in this area, but I would think some passion is needed for a lasting relationship.”

  The blood rushes from my legs, leaving tingles from hip to toe. That’s exactly what I never wanted to hear.

  She continues, “Brian’s a great guy. He is everything a woman would want in man. He has a great job, is hot as hell, and isn’t all into your business like some guys out there. But he’s also not as emotional as you. You knew that from the start.”

  “That’s the problem, though. I don’t know if he is losing interest in me or what. He’s not an expressive guy, but he used to be more, I don’t know, interested in me in some way. I feel a difference. I actually planned to talk to him about us on Friday night and you won’t believe what happened.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I feel nauseous thinking about it again. “I made a list of points I need to tell him.”

  “Of course you did. Go on,” she jokes.

  I smile. “I had it in my purse and was prepared to whip it out once we ate dessert. But as soon as we ordered, I had a panic attack and fainted!”

  “What? You did not. Oh girl, that’s horrible.”

  “It was. I ended up on the dirty floor with everyone staring at me.” I automatically make a gagging face.

  “Your worst nightmare.”

  “Basically. So, I decided I need to approach him today.”

  “I feel like an ass. How could I be so into finding my man that I had no idea you were feeling like this about yours?” Maggie gives me a tight hug.

  “Don’t beat yourself up. I bet Brian doesn’t even know there is a problem. But I need to face this today. No more waiting for me. I’m bringing it up at dinner tonight.” My stomach remains in knots.

  “We need to find some way to get you back on track. I don’t want to keep seeing you sad like this.”

  I thought I was putting up a good act for everything being normal in my life. When is my life ever normal, though? I’m a fool for convincing myself I was making an Oscar worthy performance with people like my best friend.

  “As you like to say, this is a mission. It’s mission Get Rachel Out of Her Slump. Now, let’s make a plan.”

  “A plan?”

  “Yes, you want to talk to Brian tonight so let’s make sure that happens. I know you love to spell out every word and movement when you’re anxious. We can role play what you’ll say.”

  “You love me enough to help me. That means a lot.”

  “Of course. I’ll always help you. We’re on a mission.” She winks.

  “Okay, how can I bring it up to him?” I look back toward the counter, having an urge to get my pad of paper and pen to write step by step notes.

  “You just spit it out. Say, ‘We need to talk.’”

  I get up to retrieve the beloved list in my purse and bring back the pad and pen, just in case. I look back at Maggie as I walk to them and say, “That doesn’t sound like doom is coming at all.”

  “Hey, you gotta be real here. No use in beating around the bush.”

  “I know you are right.” I come back to the couch and start reading out the points.

  “Okay, how’s this? ‘Brian, we need to talk.’”

  Maggie deepens her voice and says, “About what, apple of my eye?”

  I laugh. “Stay on track!”

  “All right, all right.” Now in her own voice but acting as Brian, she continues. “What do you want to talk about, Rachel?”

  I look at my list. My hand grips it so tight it’s getting creased. My fingers are already getting sweaty and I’m not even here with Brian. Gather courage, Rachel. I breathe in then exhale, saying, “You work so much lately. I wish we could spend more time together.”

  “I need to keep my job, so what do you want me to do?”

  My heart speeds up pace. “Time out.” I make the universal signal with my hands. “You’re making him sound defensive. Do you think he would be like that?”

  “I don’t know. It just came to me. I think he’d say something like he has to do what the job requires. Blah, blah, blah, some stuff like that.”

  “Yeah, that does sound like him. That’s not the biggest deal anyway. It’s my starter point.” I clear my throat and go back into the mode. “Well, we used to be more affectionate. And you used to call me pretty. You haven’t said it at all lately.”

  She touches my shoulder and peers into my eyes. “You’re always beautiful to me. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

  “You used to kiss me more. Initiate things.” I look down and away from Maggie’s eyes.

  “Things?”

  I know Mags wants me to say dirty things. “You know, things,” I whisper.

  She gives up and stays in character. “I’ll make a better effort with that. Now that you told me about it, I will pay more attention to you. How does that sound?”

  “Um, Mags, I don’t know if he will be that easy-going about it.”

  “First you think I’m being too defensive and now I’m to
o easy-going? Come on, my friend. Help me out. I’m tryin’!” She laughs.

  “Sorry! I know you are doing your best Brian impression. None of us can get into a man’s mind.”

  “Ain’t that the truth?” She nods her head.

  “This is too hard to predict what he’ll say. Let’s stop.”

  “No, Rach, you got this. Just finish your list. I’m dyin’ to know what’s left.” Maggie, being the wonderful friend that she is, forces me to face my anxiety.

  I look at my points once more. “Why don’t we go out much anymore?”

  “We just went out Friday night.”

  “Yes, but that was rare. I remember we used to have date nights, and day dates for that matter, all the time. I want that again with you. I miss you.” A tear rises to my eye and out so fast I don’t have a chance to fight it. I quickly rub it off my cheek.

  Maggie’s face drops. “I would love to do that too. Where do you want to go? Let’s go tomorrow after work.”

  “I’d like that. Even if we just spend more time together here, I’d love it. I read and watch TV on my own so much. I would like you to be with me. Remember how we used to read together on weekend mornings? You with your business books and me with novels…or Titanic books of course.”

  She laughs. “Oh yes, I do remember. I used to like that too. Let’s start that again.”

  “Maggie, do you think he would say that? Give in so easily to what I want?”

  “I think so. He’s a simple man. And I’m sure he wants it too. What else would he say?”

  “Yeah, I guess. I want to make sure I think of all possibilities before I have this conversation.”

  She looks up and to the side. “Hmm, well he could say he doesn’t want to do more with you or he can’t because of work. Maybe something like that? What would you say then?”

  “I understand work obligations, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, that’s a different story.”

  “I’m sure it’s not going to be that. He’s not so stupid that he’d get on your best friend’s bad side.” She puts up her fists and lets out a belly laugh.